Facing Your Fears And Discovering Joy. And Why It's Just As Scary.
These little bursts of joy aren’t necessarily from big, momentous occasions or occurrences. They are generally just here and there throughout the day.
Joy-bursts for me are: moments with my son, with Andrew, with a friend. A noteworthy passage in a book. A cuddle from my dog. Writing. A bite of dark chocolate. Holding a pose in yoga. Simple and very regular things.
Interestingly, it’s at night, before I go to bed, that I feel the most difference now that joy is showing back up regularly. It’s a subtle glow, as if those little joy-bursts throughout the day are helping keep my inner light stoked and alight all day long.
And into the next day.
But what I’ve come to realize is this: real joy is just as intense and vulnerable as fear.
Expressing our joys and successes is a vulnerable and courageous act.
Because, sharing our joy with others is an act of opening up. It’s again, showing up and being real. Criticism, apathy, or just blank stares could result just as easily as shared joy, happiness, celebration, and understanding.
Recently, I’ve been trying this out. When asked, I’ll share about how good things have been going. That I’m in a really good place. And all the toughness that I’ve worked through has ultimately become a springboard.
And it’s been such a relief to feel genuinely, overall good! This doesn’t mean that I don’t have frustrating moments or bad days---because I do. But I feel more elastic---resilient---with an easier bounce back than before. Hope!
This is a direct result of practicing a few things regularly:
kindness with myself (which then more easily extends to others from a heartfelt instead of dutiful place)
mindfulness (which I can only do if I’m in a headspace of kindness otherwise I get really really annoyed at just being aware that I’m feeling like shit in that moment) and
interconnectedness (girl, you are not alone in feeling this way)
And it’s been a ridiculously wonderful perk to have these joy-bursts throughout the day!
Yet, there are times when I do share how I’ve been feeling, what I’ve been doing that’s working or the genuinely good aspects of my life---and in return I’ve received defensiveness, shutting down, snark, or passive aggressive criticism.
And it’s these precise instances that scare the hell out of me.
Because it’s in these instances where I can so easily crawl right back into old habits. Worrying about if I said something that hurt someone or was too uncomfortable for someone.
Or, just going down the rabbit hole of trash talking myself until the initial joy I felt has been squelched.
Good bye, joy.
The internal trash talking is precisely what keeps us from having real, honest connection.
For me, it’s been my first-line-of-defense mechanism for making sure outside criticism doesn’t happen, since I can remember.
And yet, whether or not I trash talk myself, the external criticism can and does occur. Me putting myself down or hiding myself does not stop external criticism one hundred percent. How could it? We don’t control what’s outside of us. So it’s a double whammy when the criticism does pour forth.
This is why being kind to ourselves gets us so much further. You are your first ally and friend. How empowering!
You can always count on kindness from yourself. And when you feel that support from yourself, moving forward in a positive direction is much, much easier.
In the past, if I felt like someone was shutting down because of my happiness, I would have played down how happy I was, skirted the edges of it or simply not shared those parts of myself. All for the sake of making sure everyone around me was comfortable.
In the present, however, I’m feeling the fear and sharing anyway. This doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt or bruised. Because I do. Often.
But the immediate self defeating talk, the worrying about what other’s will think (as an initial motivator) has stopped.
On the flip side, truly sharing in another’s joy takes courage, too. When we feel the twinge of jealousy or irritation at someone else’s joy or success, that is our inner selves asking us to take notice and do some work around those very things in our own hearts.
This has also become a practice for me---allowing someone else’s success to open my heart to possibility. As opposed to shutting it down out of jealousy or fear---because I want those same things.
Surprisingly, this has been easier than I thought. Past lessons and old learned family habits taught me that scarcity was king and there wasn’t enough. So when someone else got something great, it meant that that thing was no longer available to anyone else.
Except, I now know this is backwards.
When we share in each other’s joy, more joy is created. More love is shared. More kindness is activated. Community is strengthened. Abundance.
It’s just up to us to notice. And participate.
Sure, it’s scary to not know what kind of reaction you’ll get when you put yourself out there.
If an unsavory reaction does happen, all it does is help us redirect our energy towards people who do share these concepts. Hello, community! People who share in the value of living life from the heart and believe in the power of kindness and community. Love.
So, who are we to hold back our joy?
Your joy is needed. For you. For us.
You are needed.